I’m 16 yeard old. I’ve struggled with anxiety for years, but over the past few weeks I’ve been showing symptoms of panic disorder.
It all started when I smoked a great amount of marijuana in mid-August. I would like you to know that it was a HORROR experience and I never plan to try it again. It was only my 3rd time and I had far too much. I had a full-blown panic attack, mainly because I was in a state where I couldn’t control my thoughts. I kept seeing myself jumping from the 2nd story of the apartment I was in, and breaking my neck. Or saying something totally uncalled for and inappropriate. And I knew it was a possibility because I kept thinking "You don’t know reality from dream right now. Whatever you’re thinking may or may not be real". So any horrible thought that ran through my head could have been real and I wouldn’t have even known it. I was pacing around and my palms were sweating. I kept begging for someone to take me to the mental hospital where I’d be safe. All I wanted was to go to sleep, and I eventually did, but it was difficult. When I woke up I felt better, but the unreality was still vaguely there.
And it has lingered ever since.
I’ve been noticing my palms sweating quite often. I’ve imagined saying or doing something inappropriate, just like before, except I have full control now. But lately I’ve been having dizzy spells and the unreality hits me often. I also get hot flashes. I’m too aware of my surroundings, and I wonder if everything is real. I get numbness all over and I feel disassociated from my body. I have this feeling like I have to hold on or I’ll just fly up into space.
The main places I feel this in are the car (especially in the dark, like on the interstate, with the windows down), the bus when it’s crowded, and one of my classes where I’m in the back corner and the desks are too close together. It hits me the worst on the bus, since it’s crowded and the people are loud. As a result, I have avoided riding the bus for the past two days. Whenever I’m in an open space, like my house, I can deal with it much better.
Whenever I read up on panic disorder, the symptoms are described as "terrifying". I would say that mine are, at most, disturbing. Therefore, I believe I have a mild version of it.
The worst feelings come and go within a few seconds. I just start breathing deeply, telling myself to "chill out" and reassuring myself that everything is okay, and real. It helps to think of my friends.
I have a hard time talking to people about it, because it seems like when I do, everything becomes unreal again, and I get nervous. I vaguely fear losing control.
I see a psychologist every 2 weeks, but since I can’t talk to him about it, I will probably just type him a paper to read. Also, my mom cannot seem to find a psychiatrist. My dad is studying psychology and he knows a great deal about it. He said that it may be a symptom of my major depression.
Can anyone provide me a possible diagnosis, and let me know what I can do to make these disturbing feelings go away? I would like support. It’s the best anyone can do for me.
Thanks!
Tags: anxiety, apartment, desks, dizzy spells, dream right, fly, horror, hot flashes, marijuana, mental hospital, numbness, palms, panic attack, panic disorder, riding the bus, sleep, surroundings, unreality
