
in my life ive suffered an extremely hard life , taunting and bulling in junior school ( secondary school ) – ended up dropping out at 15 , bad times , physical attacks in the street , mental abuse from various people – poor help and housing for my mental health issues…..homelessness in salvation army……..time in a mental hospital…….a jail record for an assault 9 years ago when i lost control of rage….
im now 31 , lived in an apartment for 6 years on disability , missed out on all the normal things in life……..building relationships , never happened …..employment , hasnt happened……….never got qualifications……never done anything in life except suffered in someway.
i was diagnosed with borderline personality years ago, but i also have PTSD and ocd ………im recieving poor treatment so, right now im having to fight to get the therapy im asking for……..making complaints etc.
all theyve offered is to see a support worker to go out with every 2 weeks to drop in centres and cafes………………ive declined and told them ” its not helping ” – my symptoms arnt being addressed……..im majorly impaired with symptoms of :
rage feelings , difficulty in controling it – high anxiety, obsessive thoughts , worries…….racing thoughts, agoraphobia…..paranoia that people are against me………severe low self worth…
i need a lot of help and therapy..
i feel tarred , labeled and stigmatised in the local community.
worry what people think about me…………people have acted aloof towards me for years………….people can be condescending…….standoffish………… me as a charity case.
which makes me feel angry and guarded and reject them and condescend them and be aloof back.
ive controled the rage outbursts for years by myself……my confidence has improved….assertive skills.
but i have a long way to go…………..i can be clingy….too deep…too intense.
because of my social problems , ive lived as a loner for years, going about my activities by myself all the time…
i worry how people in society view me…………….especially because of the rage problems and angry demeanor many years ago…..
i wont be treated as a harity case, i have my pride…
i feel suspicious and paranoid of people still..
i feel stigmatised in society as an odd person to avoid, maybe because of my rage and mental health past..
how can i be strong enough to not care what people think and believe in myself ?
some people , when i talk about the goals i still have about my life still of : moving away from england……finding fulfilling relationships……a job in computers –
people show an apathy , disinterest and un enthusiasm towards me that is so depressing and annoying..
i have worked hard on my rage for years but struggling to get the right therapy and care after 10 years !
ive aged prematurly and feel i look older than 31 in my face…..im bald with straggley hair ontop…………………but id rather have some hair than no hair.
i feel people treat me as an outcast and alienate me…
like my time is over and ive wasted opportunities….
and that i should give up
Tags: army time, assertive skills, borderline personality, building relationships, charity case, hasnt, high anxiety, homelessness, loner, mental abuse, mental health issues, mental hospital, obsessive thoughts, paranoia, rage outbursts, salvation army, secondary school, self worth, someway, theyve